Does This Really Work? Cultural Differences Between Men and Women

Does the men’s strategy of giving out a personal card, to a woman he meets casually, actually work to get that woman to give him a call?  This is quite an important question because it seems to have become a popular thing for men to do.

Several years ago, a friend of mine back in the U.S. sent me a sample of his new card in a letter.  His name was nicely printed, and in the lower corners were his email address and telephone number.  The note he included for me said, “Here is my new card to give out to women.  Let me know what you think!”  At the time he was looking hard for the ideal woman, wanting to get married.  But he was having trouble meeting any women that he had something in common with, that he found attractive enough, and who liked him also.  When he sent me his card, I replied at that time that the card looked nice, but didn’t think much about it.

Now I’ve come upon the business card pictured at the top of this post, shared on Facebook, with a comment by the person who shared it, “Single, and need help meeting people?  Try this!”  What really struck me about this was that there were nearly 8,000 Likes; 2,500Shares, and about 500 Comments; mostly from men.  (Look right below the comments for  my advice in this blog post, being a woman.)

Most beautiful women of the world World's Most Beautiful Women  most beautiful women of the world

Here were a few examples of the comments men left about this card:

“Use these on women so hot, you are afraid to speak….they work, by the way.”

“That is flirting by card.”

“Only a ‘player’ would have this.”

“Dude…that doesn’t work…take my word for it.”

“Just perfect for myself.”

“I just wonder about the integrity of the person who had a whole box of these printed?”

“Maybe they’re shy!  That doesn’t make them any less honourable of a person, does it?  Besides, I find they have a certain charm.”  (woman’s reply)

“I think that’s cool, it’s a different approach, yea I agree, it’s perfect for the shy man.”

“It’s the giving that matters.  Give it to the attractive person and walk away.  Do not expect (require) thanks or similar in return.  That feeling alone is worth it.”

“No need for contact information, the person will be intrigued to ask you for it. Having contact is too hard sell, diminish the purpose. Simple is best.”

“No point in giving contact if the person ain’t even interested in the first place, this saves everything and your mind to think if they find you the same.”

“I prefer “I would just like to let you know that I think you have a pretty smile.” not as forward, and the girl’s bound to smile because of it.”

Now compare this with the comments left by women about this card:

“Elegant, classy!”

“Extremely polite!”

“Great idea, stunning!”

“Love it!”

“I would recommend having the phone on the back, just in case the person who receives this card wants to say ‘thank you.’ ”  (handwritten)

“I’ll never get one…boo, hoo!”

“Now that is a new one for me, I thought I heard them all.  I like that one.  I need to get some of those business cards right away!”

“Who wouldn’t like to get one of these?  But if you really like the person and want to meet them, include your phone number.” (handwritten)

“Do you really think it might work?  I would like to go for the old style flirting.”

“It would only work well if the man himself were very attractive.”

“Why not just go up to the person and tell them directly to their face?   A smile is worth a million words in itself.”

“Then what?  Us shy people write the phone number on the card?  Can’t decide it its charming or creepy….”

“That is so creepy.”

“It’s creepy.”

“I wish he wasn’t married!”

“Not such a good idea.   This idea will make it harder for the police to solve crimes of rape, kidnapping, white slavery, and the like..” 

“The line between creepy and romantic is very thin.”

“This is really stupid. Clearly this person would find hundreds of people equally attractive or interesting. Certainly wouldn’t make me or anyone else feel very special.”

“So many cynics! How would I find him? It’s creepy? It’s borderline harassment? No! It’s just a little bit of romance for crying out loud! Whether or how it may or may not work is irrelevant. It has good intentions, let that be what you see in it! It is creative and sweet. Tick from me.”

I’d say that comments on the card pictured above run 90% positive from the men, and 60% positive from the women.  So what’s turning these women off?  1.)  Fear for personal safety.  2.)  The feeling that if he has them printed, he’s probably giving them to a lot of women, that it is just a another “line.” 3.)  The feeling that the man is looking for a one-night sex partner.   4.)  Not finding the man who gave them the card to be attractive.

So, should a man use a card like this?  Is this a good strategy for shy men?  Is giving any card at all a good idea, and does it actually increase the chances of a woman calling a man?

Here are my thoughts.  Men are misusing their cards, by giving them out at the wrong time, and in the wrong way.

The friend from the U.S. who sent me his card and asked what I thought is meeting women fairly casually, and offering his card  too quickly after fairly superficial interactions.  NO woman is going to call in this circumstance, and this is exactly the reaction he has been getting from women, sadly.

Most women aren’t really interested in having a man’s card unless they really want to see more of that man.  So what does it take to get the woman interested in you?  Aside from presenting the best physical appearance possible, it takes CONVERSATION.  This is where many men fall down.  If you have trouble making conversation, I highly suggest taking an “art of conversation” class, or at least reading a book or two on the subject.  A good conversationalist is a good listener, and truly interested in what others have to say.

I recommend for shy people (as well as those who are not shy) at a public gathering to have the goal of trying to have ONE in-depth, really interesting conversation with ONE woman in an evening.  If she finds you attractive, you are a good listener, and can draw her out into talking, and making intelligent comments on what she says, as well as asking interesting questions, you should have no problem with having a good conversation of an hour or more.  At this point it might be appropriate to ask if she would be interested in getting together again, and if so, AT THIS POINT, ask her for her phone number AND THEN give her your card.  Don’t waste your time, and your cards by offering your cards to random, attractive women you’ve had a five-minute, or two-minute conversation with, who you hope might have a slim chance of calling you some day.

Of course long conversations are not for the bachelor who is looking for a one-night stand, and wants to be on to the next conquest.  Long conversations are for men who are looking for real relationships.  (If you ARE looking for a one-night-stand (which I hope you are not) you are also much more likely to get it if you are a good conversationalist, because women, unlike many men, are looking for MORE than a man who is just physically attractive.)

Another reason long conversations are valuable are that if you want to have a very good source of meeting women, it pays to have a number of women FRIENDS who are JUST FRIENDS, but who know you well, and know that you are a decent person who is looking to meet that “special” someone.  Sometimes they can introduce you to others they know.

Men, you shouldn’t be afraid of a blind date arranged by friends.  No one has any expectations before a blind date because you both know it is the first meeting and may not work out in terms of finding the other person attractive.  But you can plan to have a good conversation, and if the attraction doesn’t work out, there is no obligation to call the person again.  Everyone understands this.  But sometimes the attractiveness thing DOES work out, even on blind dates;  in fact, I know of several cases where it has worked out extremely well.

Regarding the card pictured above, it seems to me that it should be used differently than a card printed with a name and phone number.  The card above should be used to try to GET that first conversation, but the problem is that it puts too much pressure on the woman.  What if she doesn’t find you attractive enough right up front?  Personally, I really liked the man who said, “I would just like to let you know that I think you have a pretty smile.” not as forward, and the girl’s bound to smile because of it.”  I don’t think this would scare off anyone, and might provide that opening for the shy man who feels tongue-tied when he meets a very beautiful woman.

Remember that beautiful women like to talk too, and all women (beautiful women, too) enjoy a confident man.  This doesn’t mean confident in terms of how he speaks to a woman.  It means SELF-confident, that he feels good about himself, his life, his values, and his ideas.  Many men are afraid to approach a very beautiful woman, so in fact, she can sit there all evening talking to no one!  Why not be the man who is confident enough to at least say hello, and ask if you can sit with her?  The worst that can happen is that she can say no, or make up an excuse.  If that happens, DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY.  If she is not interested enough to take a chance on speaking to you, perhaps she is shallow (or perhaps she really is waiting for someone).   If you don’t take the CHANCE to speak to her, for sure you are not going to get anywhere.  TAKE THE CHANCE.  Just speaking to her alone will show her that you think well enough of yourself to do so.

There is something men need to know about women.  Sometimes (many times), a woman who might think you are just “average” will find you EXTREMELY attractive after a good, long conversation.  Sometimes attractions develop, even with “average” looking people, if you give them a chance to get to know them (I wouldn’t advocate more than two or three dates if it’s not there, but at least give them a chance at ONE long conversation)!

Good luck, men.

–Lynne Diligent

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3 Responses to “Does This Really Work? Cultural Differences Between Men and Women”

  1. Lynne Diligent Says:

    From Katherine J. Kaye: Yes, about conversation, but in general, the best way to find That Person is to have a common interest or purpose about which to converse – other than superficial attractiveness. A mere smile does not make a relationship; and a man who needs a card to say “hello” for him isn’t relationship-ready. It’s like the joke my son tells about the guy who left a note for his wife asking her to wake him early: he found a note on his pillow the next morning saying ” Here’s your wake-up call.”

    Men, do things useful and fun to meet nice women: volunteer in a charity, work on a social campaign, take up a mixed-sex sport or dance style. Get a grip on your own housework. Be informed about women’s lives and politics. Do your homework and you will be surrounded by women who will want you around; use a bit of cardboard and you’ll get what you deserve.

    Like

  2. Lynne Diligent Says:

    From Abdelmjid Seghir: Very insightful, Lynne.
    Thank you for addressing this issue. I feel that no one talks about these things in my country.
    Well, I think that the card thingy wouldn’t work in my country because girls and women here seem to prefer men who are confident enough to talk to them directly.
    However, flirting from the first conversation can be regarded as a very rude thing to do. Sometimes, it feels that the rule is to call her “khti:sister” until you really get to know each other and then the man can declare his admiration.
    Thanks again for the illuminaing article and the valuable tips which I really liked!

    Like

  3. mybeautfulthings Says:

    Thank you for following my blog:) This is a very interesting article! I think your comment about the arrogance (and perhaps insecurity) of a man getting a whole box of these cards printed, is very apt. Poor chap doesn’t feel confident that he’ll succeed with any one he hands the card to.

    Like

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